Can You Be My Foreign Friend?

I have this bucket list for this summer and one of it is to gain or have a foreign friend. Will you help me achieve this ? 🙂 :3 ❤

Hi! I’m Tracy by the way although I might appear shy at first, but later on I tend to be very talkative.

please comment what you think of it or send any email address(this will be confidential) or message me @TheTracyRamas(twitter) if interested.hahaha! I know this is a weird way but hey, there’s no harm in trying. We might end up being friends in facebook,twitter, any social media or even in real life 😀

Pleeeeeeeaaase? that would really reaaaally make my summer 😀 It’s hard to find a foreign friend in my area so I think through the internet, I might just find one or many :))) that would be nice and we can share about each others culture.

Thanks, Xoxo ~Tracyinternational-flag

 

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I just want this “OUT”

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I feel bad that I won’t be able to march for graduation because of one stupid f** minor subject. F** MINOR SUBJECT! I feel so disappointed with myself. All of my hard work just came to this. I Hate This! It brings me to tears.

Why?

WHHHYYY?!

I did my best, I studied hard and I was not a lazy ass for the whole semester but WHY?

Is this course not for me?

Were those five years of studying a waste?

Am I meant for other things?

It’s just a shame wasting all those years studying this course in a university and not being able to graduate at the time expected. I feel so down. It’s as if my whole energy was drained out of my system when they told me I didn’t make it by 0.5 points from one minor subject to be able to make it to the final list of graduates for this SY. F** THAT! I passed all my major subjects but because I fail one minor subject, I won’t be able to march for graduation because unfortunately that freakin minor is a subject requirement needed to be passed as a prerequisite to my chosen course. I HATE THIS!

I hate opening my twitter and fb account and seeing my block mates posting their graduation pictures and seeing comments such as “Congrats 2014 graduates”. I feel such a failure.

Although my parents say that it’s okay and that it’s not the end of the world, I still feel as if I’ve disappointed them. They may not show it but I know they’re not so happy with the result.

Yes, I can still graduate and march next S.Y. but still, the feeling is different when you’re able to march for graduation together with your batch. While writing this, tears are falling from my eyes because I so hate the feelings I’m having right now. I don’t know how I’ll be dealing with what I am feeling now.

I feel so down, no matter how others comfort me I still feel so disappointed with everything that has happened especially with myself. I feel sad, jealous, mad, depress, and confuse. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Just because I mess up once I didn’t think my graduation will be the prize of it. I worked hard, I have had sleepless nights studying , I’ve sacrificed a lot. Money, time, social life, relationships, and yet this is what I get?

I’m writing this now hoping I can let all this emotions out.

Ma, Pa, you may not show your disappointment but still I’m sorry. I know before the announcement of the final list of graduates that you were already excited to see  me in that toga and marching going to the stage to receive my diploma and I’m sorry I was not able to make it a reality today. Thank you for still believing and trying to be positive for me. I’m trying to be positive but it just won’t work for now. I’m sorry. I love you both.

 

This is the worst feeling. I’m having the worst day today. I should be happy for others sake especially for my friends who made it but I just can’t take it being in their presence and seeing how happy they are. I know I’m being selfish and self-centered right now but no matter how hard I try to be happy for them, I still end up getting more depressed.

For my friends who are graduating, Congrats! I’m happy for you all but I’m sorry if I just can’t be there with you and celebrate because it just makes me depress. The more I see how happy and relieve you all are, because finally you are out of the university and on to the real world, the more I feel sad and mad with myself.

I hate this. I hate that I failed myself, my family, and everyone who believed in me. I feel as if I’m losing my confidence already. I’m having doubts with myself. I feel so down. I hate everything I see and feel right now. I just hate it. I HATE IT.

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Pseudo Relationship A.K.A. Fling

A pseudo relationship, also known as mutual understanding between two people or simply a fling, is almost like a relationship but not quite. It is a phase where the people involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. This is a situation where both of you act like lovers but in truth you aren’t at all. Others get involved with this as a way of entertaining themselves while still waiting for the real thing. It can be fun since there is no real commitment at all but then there can also be risk and consequences when one is involved.

What are some of these consequences?

A. There is no commitment to be expected from the other person.

This means one does not have a right to be jealous, can’t demand time, or effort, or anything at all from each other because there is NO COMMITMENT.

B. What if you fall deeply in love with the other person?

At least one of you would and it can’t be helped while the other wouldn’t which leads one to end up finding himself or herself being hurt or embarrassed. Who would want that?

C. What if you become attached too much?

You miss him or her most of the time, you expect that he or she would be there for you everyday like a real boyfriend or girlfriend should. Well, reality check here – YOU’RE NOT HIS OR HER GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND.

In conclusion to this kind of relationship set-up, there is no real assurance of a happy ending because one of you will end up being hurt due to the consequences. There is a choice between being happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing. When disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, you don’t really know where to place yourself in the priorities of the other person. In a pseudo relationship, there is actually never an “us” but just “you” and “me”. If you want to be involved with this kind of set-up, then you should be ready to face its consequences because it is only rare that these relationships end up being the real thing. As for me, I have been in this kind of set-up and I ended up being the one getting hurt which was ironic because I was the one who wanted to be involved in this kind of set-up. Now I realized that instead of experimenting and trying to get involved with this set-up, why not just wait for the real and serious thing to come and happen? At least you would know your place. It’s hard being in a situation wherein you feel happy but only for a moment and most of it you are unsure and lost. Would you want that?

 

A Sad Birthday

My 21st birthday. It’s supposed to be something epic because 21 is the age where club partying and alcohol unlimited is introduced but unfortunately 2 days before my birthday my grandmother died.  An unexpected event that still left me and my family a bit shock. She was okay during the past few weeks even going on about eating her favorite meals as usual so what happened was something we did not expect and it was a heartbreaking moment for us. Instead of partying, I mourned throughout my birthday.Though many of my friends greeted me through text/social network and some even tried preparing a surprise (unfortunately I was unable to come), I still did not feel happy or excited or eager to start my first day as a 21 year old person. My family mourned though they try to lighten the mood, it just didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like a day for celebration. I didn’t feel like doing the things I planned to do during my birthday, all I wanted was to be alone and all I felt was sadness.

You see, my grandmother (lola “Aling”) was my last grandparent who was still alive but then she passed away just like that in her sleep and so it was a shock. I didn’t expect her to go so sudden. She didn’t make it till my birthday and she definitely didn’t make it till Christmas. This is just the worst birthday ever.

With everything that has happened, I know she is happy to be coming home back in God’s arms. Lola, I’m sorry for all my shortcomings, for not having time to always visit you, for keeping distance and Thank you for the love. Since I was a kid, you were always very supportive and always provide us with the best that you can give. I will do my best to finish my studies, achieve all of my dreams and make you proud. Thank you and I love you. May you finally be happy in God’s kingdom.

Here are some of Lola Aling’s pictures filled with memories that would forever be in our hearts and minds.

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Again, Thank you and We love you lola. Rest in peace.

 

 

Why I “sometimes” HATE watching Romantic movies

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Sure it’s nice to watch because it makes you think of endless possibilities of how your love life might end up like in the future BUT you unconsciously at the same time also become jealous and impatient (especially if your still single).

I hate the after feeling these movies give me but I can’t quit myself from watching them. It’s like an addiction to drugs. I want to loath it but I love it too much to just ignore it. It makes me “kilig” to the bones making me think of what my fairy tale love life might be yet realizing that I’ve been fantasizing about this stuff for years which then leads to me being disappointed.

Why hasn’t my love life of a story started yet? will my “prince” ever come and introduce himself to me? I’m the conservative type and that’s part of the culture and tradition I’ve grown into so basically I’m somewhat like a damsel in distress waiting for a prince to sweep her off her feet BUT not mostly because when my prince(the right guy) does come I don’t want to be too dependent on him or appear as the “needy” type of girl HELL NO 😉

P.S. my love life doesn’t exactly need to be like those movies I watch, just as long as the love we have is genuine then I’m happy 🙂

Random pictures from some of the romantic movies/series I’ve watched :3

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~ I Love Lee Taeri (love between a mature woman and a young boy)

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~ Princess Hours ( Cinderella like story)

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~ My Husband’s Lover (Family, Love, Affair)

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~ Scent of A Woman (Finding Love in an Unexpected circumstance)

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~ PHR presents : Impostor (Falling for someone’s inner beauty)

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~ PHR presents : Bud Brothers (My Gulay, Wow! Betchay) (Falling for the least expected person)

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~ 100 days to Heaven (Hate=Love)

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~ Suddenly It’s Magic (Handling Long Distance Love Relationship)

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~ The Back-up Plan (Loving a person as a whole)

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~ Life As We Know It (Love develops in unexpected circumstances)

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~ Miss Congeniality 1 (physical beauty vs amazing personality)

 

>.<  ^c^,  😀 <3. ❤ :3 :)))

Dear future boyfriend

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Whoever you are there’s a lot of things I’d like you to know.

If you’re gonna fall in love with me, don’t fall in love with my exterior aspects, don’t fall in love with the way I look after spending hours getting ready, or my freshly done hair. I’m not perfect myself but please bear with me still. Fall in love with my body, the way it widens quite a lot around my hips and how I will never have that perfect figure and how I honestly don’t care.

There may be times that you won’t understand me and my “weird” tantrums and would want to walk out and give-up but please don’t. Fall in-love with my impatience, my jealous moods, and the times that I don’t feel anything at all, and fall in love with how sometimes I act like a child whilst other times I can be the most mature.
Fall in love with my scars, my marks and all the things that makes me far less than perfect and fall in love with every part of me, both good and bad, and especially with all that I consider a flaw. I hope you love me not just because of the good qualities I have but the bad ones as well. I hope you are ready to accept and embrace seeing the ugly side of me even if I try to hide it when I’m with you. I am not the barbie type of girl you can show off and brag to your friends, despite that I do hope you would still love me and be proud of me. I’m no good in cooking, but I’m definitely good at cleaning things up so I hope that would be okay for you. If you want, I can learn to cook just for you future boyfriend. Everyday, I pray to God about you. I ask Him for you. I don’t mind how long it’d take but I know He’s preparing you for me so that when we see each other, everything would be perfect.The time, the place, the situation, it would all be perfect.

I used to dream about you but I never get to picture your face well, it’s always a blur. But I’ve imagined how nice we’ll be together. I’ve imagined how warm and comfortable it will be like beside you and how I can laugh at your perky statements/jokes while not even minding how I’d look. Although I got a list of qualities that you as my boyfriend should have but then again I’m not aiming for perfect as long as you won’t easily give-up on me, on us preferably then I’ll be fine.I can understand if you are not “perfect” or the “ideal” guy I’ve always wanted to date but still I chose you. Because I’ve fallen for you, because I love you. I’d like you to know how thankful and happy I am  knowing that I am loved by you, not just because of what I have but because of who I am and I thank you for that.

Love sincerely,

your future girlfriend

That secret place.

Ever thought about having that secret place just for yourself? A place where you forget about reality and just dream on about anything? A place where you can let your problems easily pass through as if you never had it? A place you can feel comfortable and cozy? A place you can call all yours? A beautiful place where you can always run to when you feel the world’s being too much on you?

I’ve always dreamed of having that secret place of mine. Although I have a home, still there are times where I want to go to a place where no one can really find me. I want to have a beautiful escape place, the ones I always read about in book. Most of the characters in those stories refer to these places as their “Secret hideout”. It may seem kind of childish, but I really do want to have my own personal “Secret hideout place” I’ve never found my permanent secret hideout. When I was young, there was this place, it was beside a river but now it seems too dangerous to go to because the calamities destroyed the safety aura and it’s no longer secret because many already know about that place and so it can’t be considered as “secret” since many go there already.

In my head, I’ve always pictured this place as somewhere I can feel close to nature in all it’s natural form. Where I can feel the wind gently pass my skin, the sunshine kissing my cheeks, the sound of the rustle of leaves and water flowing gently in my ear, the birds chirping their songs, the shades of trees covering my body, the beautiful clear blue skies I can lavish my sights upon. A place where you don’t mind what time of the day it is because all you would care about is enjoying the feeling that the moment gives.

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My Best Friend No More

This is a continuation of my previous post entitled “I miss my best friend” . It was weird because just one afternoon as I was walking alone from School, I just realized that I don’t have a best friend anymore.

The last time we talked, he asked about a common person we know ( who happen to deceived me ) and after that conversation we haven’t talked since, when we see each other he either just smiles or nods. He’s already graduated from the University and will be taking the board exam (NLE) this November, but he still visits the University since his review center is located near BUT he never tried to visit me or asked me to hang out with him. It hurt knowing he’ll never be that guy I once called my awesome best friend.

It was like our friendship was just a mere time fling that lasted for about 3 years. How can friendship be easily forgotten in just a snap?! He has a friend whom he still hangs out with, and that friend of his happens to be my block mate in a major subject.

Good for that block mate of mine whom he still hangs out with. It’s like when we see each other, we act as if we barely know one another. It’s feels awkward already hanging out with him. If it was 3/2 years ago, we would be really loud and act as if we’re the only people around and telling each other endless random story. Talking to him before was always comfortable and easy but now, it’s simply different. I used to text him and asked how he was but now our text conversation would only last about 20 mins then he’d be gone. No more replies. I tried my hardest not to loose the friendship but it still kept on fading, I tried to understand the busy schedule we both had (he was a graduating student then and I was busy for my psychiatric nursing affiliation in another place as a requirement for my 4th year) thinking that when we both have free time already then we can still catch up on things we’ve missed but that free time never came. It’s hard especially when you’re the only one making the effort.

I used to think we’d last forever, as they say “Friendship last longer than Love” but this was never true to us.

As I was walking one gloomy afternoon going to the jeepney stop, I just came to realize (and accept the fact) that I don’t anymore have an awesome best friend. Rather I only have other friends……and him, I think he’s more likely just an acquaintance now. Unconsciously, I just  stopped trying and just gave up. People sometimes have their turning point wherein they think “it’s enough already”.

For him, despite what happened to us I still want to thank you because you’ve been a big part of the person I am today. Thank you for the memories, I promise to look up to them with a smile I hope you do the same too. Our friendship might never be the same but one thing I know will remain the same, It’s the memories I’ve had of you. Thank you my once awesome best friend.

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