To my first love.

Days, months, and almost a year since we parted and still your effect on me is unbearable.

You broke my heart on that September night when you decided to give up on me. I didn’t understand then. I had a lot of questions that I wasn’t able and might never say to you. You left me thinking I wasn’t enough, I was not worth it, I was a mistake you made. That hurt. Our conversation that day, what you said, it wasn’t enough to make me understand why you did it. The closure you thought was a great help just left me more broken and confuse.

It was months and months that I was back and forth to you. Even though you decided to leave, I was still caught up in the string of your fingers. It hurt knowing you’ve moved on easily. The song “breakeven” then made sense. When hearts break, it will never breakeven.

That’s when I decided to make a drastic change. I cut my hair, left my job and found another where I can be away from you. But still, fate is cruel. Everywhere I go, I always get glimpse of memories we made together. I date others but still end up comparing them to you. I thought of them as weapons of distractions but they were no good. I felt bad because of the things I did just to make myself forget about you because they only made me think more of you. The revenge I wanted was making me the person I am not.

I decided to resort to friends but then I realized, most of my friends are also your friends. I need new friends but I miss my friends. You put me in a state where I can’t decide if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I hated you but still I love you. I’m confused. I don’t know if my heart or my mind is the one still longing for you. I read books, seek advice, and made myself think over and over of the reasons why I should forget you.

I’m still in the process of discovering what is in store for me. Still in the process of finding answers to my questions that you never answered with your so-called “closure”. Starting now, I will love myself again just like before but stronger. I will try and do my best not to think about you. I might never know why we ended up this way, what happened along the way but this I know, you will always have a part in me, a memory I can reminisce, a bliss and heartache, my first, a part of the beautiful and strong person I will be in the future. Thankyou A.

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