I just want this “OUT”

bampw-black-and-white-bus-girl-sad-Favim.com-403582

I feel bad that I won’t be able to march for graduation because of one stupid f** minor subject. F** MINOR SUBJECT! I feel so disappointed with myself. All of my hard work just came to this. I Hate This! It brings me to tears.

Why?

WHHHYYY?!

I did my best, I studied hard and I was not a lazy ass for the whole semester but WHY?

Is this course not for me?

Were those five years of studying a waste?

Am I meant for other things?

It’s just a shame wasting all those years studying this course in a university and not being able to graduate at the time expected. I feel so down. It’s as if my whole energy was drained out of my system when they told me I didn’t make it by 0.5 points from one minor subject to be able to make it to the final list of graduates for this SY. F** THAT! I passed all my major subjects but because I fail one minor subject, I won’t be able to march for graduation because unfortunately that freakin minor is a subject requirement needed to be passed as a prerequisite to my chosen course. I HATE THIS!

I hate opening my twitter and fb account and seeing my block mates posting their graduation pictures and seeing comments such as “Congrats 2014 graduates”. I feel such a failure.

Although my parents say that it’s okay and that it’s not the end of the world, I still feel as if I’ve disappointed them. They may not show it but I know they’re not so happy with the result.

Yes, I can still graduate and march next S.Y. but still, the feeling is different when you’re able to march for graduation together with your batch. While writing this, tears are falling from my eyes because I so hate the feelings I’m having right now. I don’t know how I’ll be dealing with what I am feeling now.

I feel so down, no matter how others comfort me I still feel so disappointed with everything that has happened especially with myself. I feel sad, jealous, mad, depress, and confuse. WHY? WHY? WHY?

Just because I mess up once I didn’t think my graduation will be the prize of it. I worked hard, I have had sleepless nights studying , I’ve sacrificed a lot. Money, time, social life, relationships, and yet this is what I get?

I’m writing this now hoping I can let all this emotions out.

Ma, Pa, you may not show your disappointment but still I’m sorry. I know before the announcement of the final list of graduates that you were already excited to see  me in that toga and marching going to the stage to receive my diploma and I’m sorry I was not able to make it a reality today. Thank you for still believing and trying to be positive for me. I’m trying to be positive but it just won’t work for now. I’m sorry. I love you both.

 

This is the worst feeling. I’m having the worst day today. I should be happy for others sake especially for my friends who made it but I just can’t take it being in their presence and seeing how happy they are. I know I’m being selfish and self-centered right now but no matter how hard I try to be happy for them, I still end up getting more depressed.

For my friends who are graduating, Congrats! I’m happy for you all but I’m sorry if I just can’t be there with you and celebrate because it just makes me depress. The more I see how happy and relieve you all are, because finally you are out of the university and on to the real world, the more I feel sad and mad with myself.

I hate this. I hate that I failed myself, my family, and everyone who believed in me. I feel as if I’m losing my confidence already. I’m having doubts with myself. I feel so down. I hate everything I see and feel right now. I just hate it. I HATE IT.

sadness_162

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s