Letting Go Of Rod

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It was a difficult year for me but finally I have decided, I’m letting you go.

When you first met me, I was downright broken. My heart still half shattered to pieces but you came and I believed again to the power of what love can do. I was happy again.

The walls I’ve build collapsed when I first saw you at that time outside the cinema waiting for me and wearing that beautiful smile I fell hard for. I don’t know what power you have but you got me falling from that day onward. You were the first guy who cooked for me during dates. With you I was comfortable, I felt secure, and the butterflies in my stomach won’t stop when you’re around. You used to call me “love” and i loved hearing it.

I loved those lazy afternoons we spend in your house just hanging out, watching TV, talking random stuff about our future.I especially loved kissing you. It was just chill and we did not pressure each other, I liked that. During my off from work, I was always excited because it meant we can finally have “us” time. Stress from work didn’t matter because I have you.

But then things changed. You got cold. It started after our first date after the new year. I was confused. I was afraid to loose you but you were not responding to my efforts. I tried to give you space, but I can’t contain myself. I didn’t want to be clingy but I was afraid to loose you. I didn’t want you to leave but you did. You promised to explain everything when the time was right but unfortunately that time never came.

I was hurt and back to where I started ,picking up the pieces once again. What hurt the most was hearing rumors about you, they said you never really loved me. You just liked the idea of me and you but never us. It hurt so bad that I was not able to stop myself to cry in a public mall just thinking of you.

Fate was unfair to me. I messaged you for the last time pouring my heart out, telling you to at least say something to me but you never replied. You never really cared. I was just some random and gullible chick you met I guess.

Despite what happened, I’ve forgiven you. I loved you but you were not sure about me. Never sure about me. If you ever read this I want you to know, I don’t hate you. I’m just letting you go because I realized for the 2nd time that I deserve better. Maybe I was just lonely and you were there or maybe it was genuine but you were not ready for me.

I’m sorry but thank you Rod. Maybe we were just meant for other things and other people.

~tracy

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To my first love.

Days, months, and almost a year since we parted and still your effect on me is unbearable.

You broke my heart on that September night when you decided to give up on me. I didn’t understand then. I had a lot of questions that I wasn’t able and might never say to you. You left me thinking I wasn’t enough, I was not worth it, I was a mistake you made. That hurt. Our conversation that day, what you said, it wasn’t enough to make me understand why you did it. The closure you thought was a great help just left me more broken and confuse.

It was months and months that I was back and forth to you. Even though you decided to leave, I was still caught up in the string of your fingers. It hurt knowing you’ve moved on easily. The song “breakeven” then made sense. When hearts break, it will never breakeven.

That’s when I decided to make a drastic change. I cut my hair, left my job and found another where I can be away from you. But still, fate is cruel. Everywhere I go, I always get glimpse of memories we made together. I date others but still end up comparing them to you. I thought of them as weapons of distractions but they were no good. I felt bad because of the things I did just to make myself forget about you because they only made me think more of you. The revenge I wanted was making me the person I am not.

I decided to resort to friends but then I realized, most of my friends are also your friends. I need new friends but I miss my friends. You put me in a state where I can’t decide if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I hated you but still I love you. I’m confused. I don’t know if my heart or my mind is the one still longing for you. I read books, seek advice, and made myself think over and over of the reasons why I should forget you.

I’m still in the process of discovering what is in store for me. Still in the process of finding answers to my questions that you never answered with your so-called “closure”. Starting now, I will love myself again just like before but stronger. I will try and do my best not to think about you. I might never know why we ended up this way, what happened along the way but this I know, you will always have a part in me, a memory I can reminisce, a bliss and heartache, my first, a part of the beautiful and strong person I will be in the future. Thankyou A.

My Philippine Red Cross-MRBC Experience

A month after I finally passed the Philippine Nursing Licensure Exam and got my PRC license(wohoooo!) I decided to  “temporarily” join the Philippine Red Cross-Mindananao Regional Blood Center Institution, not just to volunteer but to train as a nurse phlebotomist. I was not really that serious about it, I joined mainly for fun and curiosity but then I didn’t realize it’s been a year already and I’m still a volunteer, though not that active anymore, and have totally been attached to the Red Cross family 🙂

My first Month (March 2015), I was a newbie and I didn’t  really want to come that often because I didn’t know anyone at all. My first blood extraction didn’t happen yet because I was still being trained, my assignment was to stay at the screening area and screen blood donors if they are capable to donate blood at their current state. That was what I did for almost a month.

Second Month (April 2015), I gained friends(fellow nurse volunteers, nurse staff, and medtechs) so I was often at the blood center because I still didn’t have a job and I didn’t really want to stay at home and do nothing. I already did my first blood extraction and it was successful, after that My training officer assigned me to join blood drives outside the office and it was the start of my unforgettable experiences at Red Cross.

Third Month (May 2015) I’m busy with Red Cross though it’s a voluntary job, I still enjoyed what I was doing. Who wouldn’t? you get to travel outside the city to conduct mobile blood drives, food was free(delicious and endless), transportation provided, and of course you get to meet a lot of new people, gain friends, connections, and acquaintance.

Fourth Month (June 2015), My whole life and career was still with Red Cross, I didn’t mind if I was not being paid because I was happy and I can see that I have improved as a phlebotomist. I also fell in-love with someone but it was only short lived.

Fifth Month (July 2015) I finally got my certificate from Red Cross where I’ve become a certified Nurse Phlebotomist after 300 + successful blood extraction. A proud moment in my career because Red Cross trained me well enough to become a skillful phlebotomist.

Sixth Month (August) My short lived romance ended, it was a sad chapter in my life at Red Cross. We parted ways because of certain personal reasons and because of that I needed to move on and so came Maria Reyna Xavier University Hospital. They hired me as a phlebotomist in their institution. The pay was good, they liked that I came from Red Cross, and I needed something to distract me from my heartache.

After that I only come at Red cross during my free time, I still visit friends, volunteer in my free time and participate in big events. I had a whole lot of experience at Red Cross that I wouldn’t exchange for anything. Now I’m currently a staff nurse at Capitol University Medical Center, a well developed tertiary hospital. But in my heart I will  always be a volunteer nurse phebotomist at Philippine Red Cross-Mindanao Regional Blood Center.

 

xx, Tracy 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Agutayan Island, Jasaan Philippines

For this 2015 summer escapade we decided to visit Agutayan Island in Jasaan which is near our home city CdeO, why go far, when you can go near 🙂

Agutayan Island also known as The White Island in the area is located about 5 kilometers from the municipality of Jasaan. The white island facing Macajalar Bay is about 5,000 square meters with pure white sand. It is a small island, virtually a sandbar, surrounded by clear blue waters and has yet to gain popularity with beach lovers and sun worshippers. The island is ideal for snorkeling, scuba diving and swimming. And of course, camping is also allowed in the area.

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©TracyUnpredictable

RN and Graduate

From XUSN to BSN RN. I’m originally an October 2014 graduate but since graduation ceremonies in our University are only held during the month of March I needed to wait and so, I took my Philippine Nursing Licensure Exam first because the PNLE was scheduled Nov 29-30 2014 and I don’t want to wait or waste time, became an official RN(since the results were released January 2015), and was able to finally marched for graduation. What’s better? I marched as a RN 😉

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After 5 years of unending sacrifices, I’m finally a Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree holder and Newly Registered Nurse. I would not have made it without the support of family and friends and most especially the love and grace of God to make it through all the challenges. More challenges await me and I’m ready to take on the world. KUDOS! ©TracyUnpredictable

My Experience at Peak Excellence Review Center

Before I took my PNLE(Phil. Nursing Licensure Examination), I needed to enroll to a review center as preparation for the board exam and finding the right review center was not quiet easy.

I had two choices of review centers then but if given another choice that time, I would have chosen East West Review Center(which is not included in my two choices) because it was the one affiliated with the University I graduated at but due to my cross-enrollment status, I was not able to do so (There are rules, reasons etc..).

Finally I decided to go for peak due to a discount scholarship I got which is about P2k and also by the random recommendations made by some of my friends. Peak Excellence Review Center it is then.

During my first week at Peak, I was in doubt because there were MANY of us and since there were MANY of us, I thought to myself “WTF? How am I supposed to learn in an environment like this?” and a lot of thoughts followed “Should I just transfer to another review center while it’s still early?” “But I already have friends here” “My close friends are at the other review center” “What about the discount I got here?” Etc..A lot of thoughts came in and left me with a lot more doubts. It was a decision I needed to make right away because my future depends on it(Aside from the University I chose and other stuff). It was one of those moments that I have with myself in random silent places that made me come to a decision. I decided to stick with my first choice, I am already enrolled here so why back-out? I’m taking the responsibility of my first decision here.

And guess what? The decision I made was definitely the right one for me. No regrets or whatsoever.

The owner of the Review center Ma’am Avic was very hands-on. As much as possible she ensures that the students enrolled at her review center are well taken care of and that all of us are doing well during the review. The review was not just about serious learning but mix with fun as well. The anxiety in preparation for the upcoming board is something you can’t ignore, the feeling is there all the time and a lot of times I doubted myself if I was ready or capable enough of taking one of the biggest examination in my life. I even cried at some point. But the environment in the review center helped me cope with it (aside from my family). The people in Peak review center became my second family.

It was an experience I won’t ever forget. Aside from recalling all the things I’ve learned in college, I even learned new things, gained a lot of friends, met a lot of awesome and inspiring people, gained confidence little by little, and was able to cope with the anxiety I was experiencing at that moment. Choosing Peak for my review was a risk I took and in the end was indeed the right risk and decision for me.

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By the way, this is not an advertisement or whatsoever. I am just sharing my experience with the said review center.

A Sweet Birthday

My cousin’s 6th birthday made my cravings for sweets very satisfied.

All the food served on his birthday was prepared by his mom(who is my aunt) and although it was a simple family dinner, it still looked like a ‘bonggacious’ kid’s party to me.

Hope your eyes enjoy these yummy tasty food I posted from his birthday >:)

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Here’s a picture of the birthday boy Sebastian Lucas(blue shirt) with another cousin of mine, Gian 🙂 such cuties xxo

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A picture of us ready to munch on for a lovely mouth-watering dinner.

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Although we weren’t complete it was still a happy precious moment because we were able to celebrate as a family with good food in a wonderful environment AND the fact that we are blessed to have such a sweet boy(Lucas) as part of the family.

HAPPY 6TH SEBASTIAN LUCAS ❤ Xoxo

©TracyUnpredictable

 

#OFBT (Outfit for bedtime)

Hi to the people following my blog. Sorry for posting something new this late. I’ve been SUPER busy lately with the review for the upcoming board exam (please include me in your prayers for this Nov 2014 PNLE that I may be able to do well) and also with random important things related crucially for my future.

Anyways for this post I would want to talk about my #OFBT or outfit for bedtime. This is just something random because I miss writing random stuff on my blog and I guess this is just my way of destressing myself with all the pressure I’m experiencing at the moment.

First off, I must confess that if ever there’s a fashion police for bedtime outfits then I’m always guilty because the clothes I wear when I go to bed are total mismatches. Be it color, shape, size, etc..I even sometimes look like a homeless person with the clothes I choose. I don’t know if there are a lot of people like me who wear clothes(after taking a night shower, before going to bed, and I guess it includes when eating breakfast) that look disastrous for their #OFBT, all I can say is: So what? as long as I’m comfortable.

Why am I writing something senseless like this? Well I told you this is just something random I want to share. It was our maid who first noticed and pointed out this weirdness of mine and then my cousins who stayed overnight at our house came next to notice it. They say I look funny and somewhat like a 6th grader and it kinda bothered me a bit before but I got over it and continued on with my weird mismatched #OFBT.

This is my #OFBT : (I don’t have pictures of my own because my camera was damaged and I’m out of budget at the moment  but just try to imagine)

Loose shirt (They even look loose when dad wears them) + Long faded pink pajamas

Jersey shirt + Loose shorts with Christmas like designs + purple half  jacket

Orange loose shirt + Pink loose shorts with spongebob characters at the corners + Blue robe

Red shirt with holes at the armpit area + Gray jogging pants

That’s how weird and different my #OFBT is from my #OOTD. People who’ve never seen me in my #OFBT would be shock. Despite the holes, color mismatched, etc. I feel really comfortable and able to sleep cozy with my bedtime clothes. I feel guilty at the same time happily weird with them. Sometimes I wonder if ever I would continue this #OFBT choices of mine till I get married. Would my husband if ever this continues not be weird out by it? Hahaha. Anyways, this has been another random thought of mine to share.

 

P.S.

I don’t know when or how long I’ll be able to post again but I’m sure I’ll update as soonest when I’m not that busy anymore.

Ciao! Stay Happy, Positive and never let others opinion define you.

 

©TracyUnpredictable

 

 

 

 

 

Random Confession About Me.

What to write about?

Summer is ending near and I’m not feeling any sense of accomplishment in any form at all from those 3 months. I was always at home doing nothing, staring at the ceiling, waiting, waiting, waiting….I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.

Doing nothing is basically very TIRING. SHIT TIRING.

I’m jealous of others because I’m a lazy ass person and can’t do anything about this laziness syndrome while they can do something about it.

I want to do something extraordinary but I don’t have enough resources, don’t have enough guts and courage. I’m not resourceful nor creative that’s why I’m always stuck. I don’t have a Boyfriend. WHHHHHY?

Why am I being random?

There’s so many things that I would like to do but don’t have enough courage to do it. I’m a coward, lazy ass person.

Why am I being random again?

Why?

I’ve been reading mangas lately and watching kdramas. It made me think, should I date japanese or korean men?

I feel awkward at times at home. Why do I feel as if I always need to sneak in at home, as if I’m a robot or prisoner?

too many unaccomplished things in mind, too many questions without an answer.

Why is my life like this?

Is it because I’ve been selfish lately(mostly) but my biggest regret is that I never had the courage to do things. I never had the courage to fight for what I want. I never had the courage to voice out what’s been running in my mind, thoughts, only through words, through writing.

I’m random, unpredictable, but mostly lazy and a COWARD. </3